The short version of a very long few months.
This post holds so much of my personal thoughts and journey, and it’s something that only the closest people in my life know about. It’s hard for me to write, and even harder to post. Every couple of minutes I have tears in my eyes (yay pregnancy hormones!) and have to take a break. That is why it took an extra day to post this. I have been getting so overwhelmed reliving every single moment and feeling all of those feelings all over again. I am more grateful every day and with each big kick from my baby girl. God is taking us through an insane journey, and I really think He wants me to share that with you all. So here’s the most raw, emotional parts of my private life, laid out for you to read. <3 It was August (2017), which means it was exactly three years since the day I had gotten pregnant with Emma. Many of you had been following my fitness journey and had seen progress as I got stronger and my body started to lean out. However, what the pictures weren’t showing you was the exhaustion I was feeling, the number on the scale failing to drop, and the genuine sadness and depression I was experiencing. For the last three years of my life, I realized that not a single day had gone by that my body wasn’t supporting a baby in some way (either pregnant or breastfeeding). I felt so guilty giving up breastfeeding Elijah before he was ready (not sure he ever would be!), but I so badly needed myself back. I was so ready to just have a few months completely to myself to get my body back on track, so I started to wean Elijah off, right before my first ever trip away from my babies. There were so many new things happening at once, and I couldn’t have been more excited. My sweet husband and I started making all these big plans on how I would reach my goals, get my body back into a balanced state, start working again (for my own sake and sanity), and finally finish school. It always is when you try to take life into your own hands that God gently (and somewhat humorously) shows you that He is still in control. That’s what happened with me. I was trying to take life into my own hands, and take control of my future. I was making plans without seeking God first, and that never leads to the best possibility for my life. A few weeks after I stopped breastfeeding, it came to my attention that I hadn’t had my period in too long. I though to myself, “No, this isn’t possible. I must just be too stressed and it made me late!” I mean, this IUD I had was 99.999% effective… unless it wasn’t there anymore? Apparently it’s possible that it just fell out on its own. I know. Me too (eye roll). I went on my trip, came home, and had a really fun dinner party with some of our friends. I ate a little bit of everything at the party, but did not feel great afterwards. I figured it was just my body coming off of supporting Elijah, and ended up getting sick that night and the next morning. Maybe it was the food I ate. Who knew, right? Well at that time, two of my friends had also realized they were late and took pregnancy tests to confirm that they weren’t pregnant. I decided I needed the same assurance, and went to the store to get some tests. Knowing that they are most effective first thing in the morning, my husband and I agreed that I would wait until the next day to take one. He had to get up at 4:00am that day, and I pretended that I was still sleeping while he got up to get ready. Truth is, I had barely been able to sleep at all that night, due to extreme anxiousness to see the results. I ended up sneaking to our guest bathroom while my husband was in the shower and taking the test. I remember thinking, “I just can’t wait and need to know that I’m not pregnant so I can get some sleep.” For those of you who may not know, a pregnancy test takes about 3-5 minutes to show the result (or so it says on the box), but this test showed my result in seconds. I’m talking literally seconds after pulling the test up and setting it on the counter I already saw those two pink lines so clearly. My heart was racing, my mind was racing, I was a hot mess. I hurried up and hid the test and ran back to bed so my husband wouldn’t know. I needed to think before I told him, and needed to get my bearings. Was this even possible?!?!?! Am I really the .001%?? Turns out I’m so much more than that. I told him later that day, and we both just sat there in shock. How? Why? What was God up to? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know how much of a blessing it is to be able to conceive children. I know so many precious women who have faced so many hardships and haven’t been able to have children of their own. And here I was, having child after child without even trying. It felt selfish of me to be frustrated about getting pregnant. But that’s just where I was. I wasn’t ready for the first, I definitely wasn’t ready for the second, and by golly I was distraught about the third. I spent many days and nights on my knees in prayer, tears streaming down my face. I was begging for God to reveal to me what He was doing in my life, and why like this?! For a time I was furious, heartbroken, and extremely defeated. My husband and I were so overwhelmed already, and it was impossible for him to hide his disappointment. That broke my heart even more. I didn’t want him to be unhappy with his life. We are only 24, in our third year of marriage, and now expecting our third unexpected miracle. For anyone, in any walk of life, this can be overwhelming. The reason I even got the IUD was to give us a few years of assured peace and to give myself a break. With two completely unexpected babies already, I so badly wanted it to be different the next time. I was so looking forward to PLANNING the next time we wanted to have a baby. Just once, I wanted the news of our pregnancy to be met with genuine joy and congratulations from both us and our families and friends. I wanted everyone to know that we had been trying and that this was completely what we wanted. I honestly was so tired of receiving those pity eyes and ‘bless your heart’s. Y’all I am exhausted. And I am still learning every day how God is using me and this hard time to strengthen others and change my heart. I cling to his mercy and love and I can see how much I have changed over the last few months. I have learned to accept the joy of this new baby and every moment I have had with her. But the times have not been without constant trial. Every time things seem to calm down, we are hit with another wave of hardship. My marriage, my identity, my patience have all been tested and tried, and God has grown us stronger in every aspect. If you’re still with me (I know this is a long one!), I would like to share with you all of the different complications we have faced and overcome. This sweet baby girl of mine is a fighter and a miracle, and God has big plans for her. I just know it! Complication one: getting pregnant with an IUD and beating the odds. First let me start by saying that none of the doctors believed me. I had to laugh along with them, because I couldn’t understand it myself. I got an “official” pregnancy test done at the doctors office and set my appointment to have the IUD removed. I had heard of the complications and IUD can cause both being removed and being left in, and the risks of removing it are “far less” than if it was left in the duration of my pregnancy. I got to my appointment only to be faced with more questions and confused looks. “Are we just replacing the old IUD?”…”Are you getting it out because you want to get pregnant?” and no one would listen when I said I was already pregnant and still had my IUD in and needed it out. Finally I met with my doctor who said it was so unlikely that I could get pregnant with the IUD that she assumed it was either out of place or had fallen out. Long story short, (eye roll) it was there. She then proceeded to tell me that she couldn’t remove it for me, since I was pregnant and this clinic didn’t have the resources to care for me if something went wrong upon removal. Awesome. So I had to go to another clinic, only to be told that since it was a Friday before a long weekend (some holiday, I forget), everyone had already left and my doctor would prefer to take the IUD out when everyone was there and we could have the proper care in case something went wrong. Well I didn’t really know what could “go wrong” upon taking the IUD out, but she explained that there could be a few possible outcomes. Number one, the pregnancy could be what is considered ectopic (meaning an out of place pregnancy that would result in miscarriage). She said that the majority of pregnancies that occur with an IUD result in ectopic pregnancies, and we may lose the baby soon. Number two, taking the IUD out could cause immediate termination of the pregnancy (because there is no for sure way to get it out safely without hitting the pregnancy) and we could lose the baby that way. Number three, and the least likely outcome being that our pregnancy is perfectly in place, healthy, and removing the IUD won’t cause termination. Meaning our chances of actually having this baby are slim to none. Like I said, however, this baby is a fighter. She beat all of the odds and is a one-in-a-million miracle. Complication two: what they discovered upon the ultrasound. To just get straight to the point, they saw a small hemorrhage adjacent to the pregnancy, that indicated risk for miscarriage. So yet again, we were fighting the battle of possibly losing our baby, due to some bleeding going on inside my body. Over the next few weeks, I had ultrasound after ultrasound and appointment after appointment. It seemed as though the hemorrhage was getting smaller and as baby grew, it was being pushed around, to a place where it was no longer life-threatening to our baby girl. We finally got the “All Clear” and were moved back to low-risk pregnancy. We could start to plan for only one appointment a month (instead of one or two a week) and things were looking up! Complication three: what we almost lost and what we definitely gained. [Warning: some graphic detail in the following section] . . . . . Exactly a week after getting the “All Clear”, I woke up from a great night’s sleep. My sweet babies were still sleeping when I woke up, and I was looking forward to having some quiet time to myself. I still remember this day like it was yesterday. I felt a strange sensation in my gut and something weird on my legs (inner thighs). I rubbed my legs, trying to get it to stop feeling so weird… maybe I just slept funny and my legs kind of fell asleep. It didn’t go away, so I got up to see what it was. I turned on the light and noticed there was blood on my hands. My heart started pounding. I felt a surge of emotion and tried to remain calm. It felt like my stomach was dropping out between my legs, so I ran to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and blood started gushing out. It wasn’t stopping and my phone was still plugged in next to the bed. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t good. I knew I needed to call someone, but I didn’t know how I was going to get to my phone. I had zero control of my body and the blood just kept on coming. I was sobbing, struggling to breath, and praying like crazy. I finally started to calm down and knew I needed to get into action. With my husband already at work, and no one to help me, I prayed that God would give me the strength and clarity to do what I needed to. I finally was able to clinch hard enough and get the bleeding to stop for a moment. I ran to get my phone, went back to the bathroom and continued to bleed. I first called my doctor’s office, and spoke with a nurse. She told me that I needed to get into the hospital immediately and I needed to bring my husband with me. My next call was to my husband. With teary eyes and a shaky voice, I told him that something was wrong. I told him that I was coming to pick him up from work and he needed to take me to the hospital ECC (Emergency Care Center). He said he would be waiting and I hung up the phone. I needed to figure out how I was going to get up, get the kids up and dressed, get to the car, and drive without getting everything messy. I saw my daughters diapers sitting near the door, and without any pads of my own, I knew it was my best shot. I got dressed, put a diaper in my pants, and grabbed the kids as quickly as I could. Tired and confused (and grumpy that I had woken them up), we got ready and headed out. I had to sit on a towel and drive the 30 minutes to get to my husband. I could barely see out of my dang eyes, because the tears wouldn’t stop rushing down my face. I finally made it, got out and hugged my husband, sinking into his arms. I was sobbing and all he could muster was, “It’s going to be okay. No matter what happens, it’s going to be okay. I love you so much!” He helped me into the passenger side, and off we went, another 30 minutes to the hospital we have grown so accustomed to. After going through the motions of checking in, having my vitals checked, and answering a million unnecessary questions, I finally got into a bed. I was still bleeding pretty constantly, and it took what seemed like forever for a doctor to finally come see me. She took a look, tried to do an exam, but couldn’t see anything past all the blood. She told me that I needed to go have an ultrasound done to confirm, but said, “You understand what’s happening right?” Like I’m supposed to just know. I nodded my head slightly and she continues with, “You are miscarrying.” Just like that. Like my whole world wasn’t in shatters and it was just another day for her. I started sobbing uncontrollably and she said someone would be in, in a few minutes to take me to ultrasound. My husband looked at me with shock on his face, eyes teary, and just came to hug me. I just remember clinging to him, crying harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. Why, God? Why would you even put us through this? What was your plan and purpose? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I finally gathered myself enough to get the ultrasound done. Tears kept falling down my face, but I wasn’t making any noise. I just wanted it to be over so I could go home and process with my husband and family. I made it to the room, got on the bed, and waited. The ultrasound technician said to me, “I just want to let you know that I am not allowed to share any information from this ultrasound with you. I just look at what the doctor needs me to, and give her the results. Then you will go back to your room and she will give you the results.” I nodded. She had such a sad look on her face and I could tell she felt bad, but I just wanted to get it over with. She starts the ultrasound and starts taking different pictures for the doctor. I couldn’t even look at the screen, because my heart was so broken. I forced myself to look up, thinking this was the last time I would ever see my baby. She pauses and looks me directly in eyes. She says, very slowly and clearly, “Ma’am, I am not allowed to share any information with you…” Here I am thinking, “Okay you already said that? Just get this stupid thing over with!” … I must have looked kind of confused because she started to repeat herself, talking even more slowly and enunciating every syllable, “I’m not allowed to tell you anything, however, I need you to sit very still so I can measure the heartbeat…” The realization struck my face but I couldn’t form any words. She was saying… Was she saying? Did she just? Is my baby okay?!?!?!?! She finished up and I got back into the chair, waiting to be wheeled back to my room to hear the official results from my doctor. A minute passed and the technician came back in with another doctor. The doctor explained that it’s against protocol but she knows I just need to hear it sooner than later. I was not miscarrying. My baby was actually alive, healthy, and still growing at a good rate. I had what was called a gestational hemorrhage, which led to a threatened miscarriage, but it was just a massive bleed. They told me a story of a nurse who used to work with them who experienced the same thing. They told me that it was something I might deal with my whole pregnancy, and it could just be a one time thing. There’s no way to be sure. Their friend was told that she was still at high risk to lose her baby, and I was too. Then they told me that her baby is now a healthy and happy four year old, and to have hope. They said that it can be hard, and scary, but that we still have a good chance to have this baby. New tears started to pour out of me. Tears of relief and joy! I went back to the room and told my husband the good news. We finished up and were able to go home. The bleeding stopped completely two days later and I haven’t had an incident like that since. As hard as it was to go through that, I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been on me. I realized that as unexpected as this baby was, there was zero doubt left in my mind that I wanted to have this baby. I no longer struggled with the confusion or hurting or frustration. I knew that this baby was special and had a purpose and that God knew I was strong enough to handle everything being thrown my way. He knew I was strong enough to handle having another baby. He knew I was strong enough to raise her up in a Godly home, like I was with my other two babes. He knows everything I don’t, and He gives me faith when I lack it. Complication four: a total wreck. Two weeks ago today, I was driving home from the gas station. I was turning left at an intersection, right outside our development, and just needed to get home so my husband could go to work. There was opening after opening, so I had started to inch forward, but there was always one car in the pack that was going much faster than the rest. I waited and waited and finally the light turned yellow. At this point, I was already completely over the line and knew I just needed to finish the turn. I started to go, but saw a car coming speeding up, so I waited. It went through the intersection and the car behind it slowed to a stop. All of the other cars had also come to a stop, and I didn’t even think to see if the light was red yet. It looked like my path was clear so I finally went to finish my turn. Someone decided to speed up and try to get through the light (from what was a previously empty lane) and slammed into the passenger front end of my car. It was like every movie car-crash-scene you’ve ever seen. Suddenly there was a flash of headlights and then [crash], [bang], [screech] I was spinning around and blacked out. I came to, facing the wrong way in the turn lane I had just left. My car was smoking, something smelt terrible, and I was terrified. I put my car in park (although it wasn’t moving at that point), turned it off, and started to assess the situation. I reached over to find my phone in my purse, and found my glasses laying on the floor mat. I didn’t even realize they were gone. I was in a fog, but knew I needed to call my husband. I was crying and told him I was in an accident and I needed him to come get me. He had a friend come to the house to stay with the sleeping kids and rushed to help me. I was being questioned by the police, examined by the paramedics, and was in total shock. Long story short, they towed the car due to it being completely not drivable, I was told to go to the hospital but I was allowed to pass on being taken in the ambulance, and we went home to figure out what to do with the kids. My husband was so amazing and had already called the insurance and gotten everything sorted out. We had to borrow our friends car seats (since ours were now unable to be used, having been in an accident), drive the kids to her house for her husband to watch them, have her take us to the car rental place, and then go to the hospital. I had barely remembered that I was even pregnant, due to being in shock, and had to have extensive monitoring done. The airbags had deployed on the passenger side of the car, but not on my side. Seeing the headlights made me tense up my body, so I was pretty sore, but I was virtually unharmed. I didn’t hit my head on anything, the airbag hadn’t harmed the baby, and other than severely bad bruises from the seatbelt and middle console, I was completely okay. Baby was healthy and active and they had zero concerns. Praise God for looking out for me and keeping me safe! I was so thankful for our precious Subaru, because it truly saved my life. It was completely totaled, and I have slight PTSD about being in the car and driving, but we are all recovering nicely. We got a new car last weekend, and everything taken care of with our insurance. Our families have been so supportive and helpful during this time, even from the other side of the country. We are beyond thankful for our good friends for helping us the day of and the days following. We really saw how truly blessed we are with the people in our life after this crazy experience. Complication number five: feeling low and covering up. If you are still with me at this point, I am so so grateful for you! I know this is a really long story, and there’s so much I’m still leaving out, but this complication brings you up to speed on the latest news we have heard. After this, any further news about this pregnancy will be done in much shorter posts and as we find things out. So bear with me, for this last one! We went to our 20 Week Anatomy Scan when they scheduled it for me, however their math had been off and I was only 18 weeks 5 days, and they are super strict here about when you get seen. So I had to reschedule for two weeks following, and was then 20 weeks 5 days. Even at this appointment, the ultrasound technician was telling me that I would most likely have to come back for another ultrasound, because “most people do”. (major eye roll!!!) This is my third pregnancy, and I have never in my life heard of this. I had to keep in mind that they don’t specialize in O.B. Ultrasounds and just do general work, so that’s why they have people come back multiple times. Anyways, at my ultrasound, not only was I told that baby was measuring a week behind (she wasn’t) and that I still wasn’t 20 weeks (I was… I was almost 21 weeks at this point), but I was also told that my fluid levels looked low and my placenta was covering my cervix. I had no idea what this meant, other than it was a bad thing, was dangerous for baby and me, and I would have zero choice but to have a C-Section with this baby. I asked her to double check, with the invasive ultrasound, because they had never said something about this at all of my other appointments (which if you’re this far, you know is a lot!!). She kind of laughed at me, told me it was completely unnecessary because she could “clearly” see, and tried showing me to prove her point. I smiled as politely as I could and again asked for her to double check. I explained that I had already had so many ultrasounds and had to give her a brief version of the story you have just read. She shrugged and told me she would ask her boss if it was okay. She agreed to have it done and back we were, checking again. The lady took all the measurements and pictures and left the room, telling me to get dressed and we could leave. She didn’t say anything about the results, and we were dismissed. I left it alone because I had an appointment with my O.B. later that day anyways. Back at my appointment, my doctor went over all the results from my ultrasound. She confirmed that my fluid levels were low but that my placenta was not covering my cervix! However, with my fluid levels being so low, there could be some major problems. It meant that either my water had broken, or that the baby was struggling developmentally with her kidneys or urinary tract. So I was being sent a few days later to a different hospital on a different base, that specializes in high risk pregnancies and all sorts of complications. Fast forward to this appointment, I had another ultrasound done at the Maternal Fetal Medicine center. Fluid levels were still showing way lower than they should be, but they could see the kidneys and everything looked okay with the baby. They were going to send me to Labor and Delivery where they could do further tests to see if my water had broken. Two invasive tests later, and no results. They told me that it was possible my water was broken, leaking very slowly so I wouldn’t notice, and just wasn’t leaking at the time of the tests. They told me to come back in two weeks (so next week!) and we would check again and see what other tests we could do. If my water is broken, they will need to keep me on Bed Rest in the hospital to monitor baby and keep infections at bay. I could possibly be in the hospital started at 24 weeks. I am currently 22 weeks and 1 day, and would have to stay at a hospital over an hour away from my home, for a minimum of 10 weeks. Y’all this is so overwhelming so I’m asking everyone to partner with us in prayer. With my husband being in the military, we don’t know how it will work for me to be gone for 10+ weeks and have him stay home full time with the kids. The earliest they want me to deliver is 34 weeks, and they will do everything they can to keep me pregnant for as long as possible. We are asking for any and all advice y’all might have as well as just constant prayers. There’s still a chance that things could change (God has shown us that so clearly throughout this pregnancy), and we are praying that no matter what, we continue to encourage and inspire people by keeping our faith. I will definitely keep you updated on this pregnancy, and am so thankful for all of the love, support, encouragement and inspiration y’all have shown me. This surprise miracle has changed our lives forever, and we just want to see her healthy and happy when the time is right. We have been so grateful for every moment we have together as a family, thus far So I hope you enjoyed our very complicated, long story about our sweet baby girl. She is rocking my world, and hasn’t even made her appearance yet! I can only imagine how much impact she will make on the lives around her, as she grows. I hope you feel inspired, included, and as always, blessed. <3 sincerely, t
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Looking back.
[side note] :: In an attempt to remain unapologetically me, I am going to admit that the reason this post did not get out yesterday is because I took time to rest. This pregnancy has been complicated and exhausting, and this mama needed a nap yesterday. So here is the recap of our last few years, before we really get into the details of this current miracle. (Keep in mind, during this journey I was also a full-time online student, working a business from home, and trying to maintain my physical health as best as possible!) Three years ago, I became pregnant with our darling Emma. Being so young and newly married when she was born brought on a series of struggles. However, God grew and strengthened us with each passing day. We lived in San Diego for the majority of my pregnancy, but finished it back home. We were in Spokane for my brother-in-law's graduation, and I was able to finish my O.B. care once I got there. I got admitted into the hospital in labor, only three hours after my husband flew in from San Diego. Talk about perfect timing! After over 12 hours of long, slow labor, the doctors told me that I needed to have an emergency C-section. Technically I still had another 12 hours before it was actually necessary, but being a first time mom, I didn't know any better. I recovered so quickly from my C-section, however, I got to leave the hospital early and spend some time with our families. A few weeks later, we flew back to San Diego and returned to our "normal" lives. Fast forward three months (yes, only three!!) and we found out we were pregnant with our sweet boy, Elijah. We didn’t have a consistent form of birth control at this time, but I was unaware that I could be ovulating without any signs of my period. (So be warned, mamas, it happens more often than you think!). My husband had just transferred units, and was being sent out on deployment soon. He would miss the majority of the pregnancy, along with the birth of our boy. I made the move back to Spokane, and said goodbye to my husband a few weeks later. I was so thankful to be surrounded by the familiar atmosphere of my hometown and family, but nothing made up for how much I missed my husband. I was still breastfeeding Emma up until about a month and a half before my due date, and being pregnant with a busy toddler who had just learned the freedom of walking kept me on my toes. I was in labor with Elijah at Emma’s first birthday party, but I so badly wanted them to have their own special days. I held off going to the hospital as long as I could, and managed to tuck Emma in for bed before I headed out. With my husband being on deployment at the time, my mom was by my side the whole time I was in the hospital. Even though I had a C-section just a year prior, I was planning on a VBAC with the carefully thought out care from my Doctor. Through lots of prayer and faith, I was able to successfully give birth naturally with my son. It took over 12 hours again, but soon I was being told it was time to push. My mom was holding my phone with my husband on FaceTime, so he got to encourage and love on me through the quite fast process. Thank God for technology! Due to the fact that my husband was not in a high risk area during his deployment, he was able to take paternity leave and fly all the way home, shortly after our son was born. We considered waiting until his deployment was up in a few months, but he just couldn't wait. He wanted more than anything to be by my side for Elijah's birth, but couldn't stand waiting months to meet his sweet son. He stayed with us for a short while and we once again said our goodbyes. Before he was heading home for good, my brother-in-law and some friends helped us move back to San Diego. We had the house put together just in time for my husbands joyful return, and had the intention of settling in for a long while. Little did we know, God had it in his plan for us to move again a few short months later. We had many great opportunities, but we felt like God was leading us to move to the East Coast, where my husband's career could take some great advances. Moving so often with new babies was difficult. We were constantly having to start over and settle in all over again. But with each move and each passing day, our marriage was growing side by side with our faith. We knew that God was leading us, and growing us, and no matter what hardships we faced, we trusted that His plan was best. God gives exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. This is what we clung to, in the last 10 months of East Coast living. It was a lonely, trying time, but with God's help, we have made amazing friendships that I know will last a lifetime. Fast forward again... After many months of working my booty off in the gym without gaining to results I knew I should be, I knew something had to change. I was blessed to be able to breastfeed Elijah for 15 months, but made the conscious decision to stop, for my own sanity. And that is where God really rocked our world… Tomorrow will start the raw and real story of how I became a mama of (soon to be) three. I hope that you enjoyed the recap as much as I did. I was moved to tears time and time again while writing, just remembering the spiritual, emotional, and mental journey I have endured over the last three years. I cannot take credit for any of the miracles, blessings, or lessons learned. God has truly been my rock and my fortress, the one who guides every step, and loves me even when I fail. My prayer is always that you are inspired, included, and as always, blessed. sincerely, t
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TashinaRead. Write. Create. Love. Archives
October 2018
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