January 18th, 2015 - #jensenpartyoftwo On this gorgeous Southern Californian afternoon, my beautiful sister, Tashina married her best friend, Zachary. They've melted my heart since the beginning of their relationship, when they were just kids in puppy love. I've watched them grow and mature into these amazing humans. They share this unbreakable bond. And while I still don't think my little tiny baby sister is old enough (she never will be), she made the most beautiful bride. We got to spend the day with some our family and a few of the friends they've made while Zach has been stationed there and Tashina goes to school. We had planned a small ceremony on the cliffs of San Diego, but news spread quickly and the guest list doubled in size. Which is both a blessing and a curse. The company was amazing but the plan was for a lot less. Oh well. It was a blessed day. At times the stress of it all was seemingly unbearable (my family is always running late), we all managed to have such a wonderful time. A lot of laughter and tears of joy. Now when it comes to these photos, I want you to know that I was a bridesmaid AND the photographer so the lighting and and composition of them aren't THE ULTIMATE ULTIMATE, but enjoy. XOj.
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I've never felt loss to this magnitude before. I'm still learning how to express my hurt and my loss. Writing has always been my outlet, so here it goes. It's not often that God awakens me for prayer. In fact, it always catches me off guard. Waking suddenly almost as if you had a bad dream. On Saturday, I woke up early in the morning, later to find out it was only one hour before the ship was to go down. I woke up like I always do and I start praying unceasingly but I never quite figure out what God was asking me to pray for. I couldn't fall back asleep. As if I was waiting for something to happen. A few hours later, my sister texted me. Telling me the news that I still can't wrap my mind around. Hawaii Aloha had capsized and Aaron was missing. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone or post on social media but I immediately texted him and messaged him on Facebook, telling him to call me. As many of you know, he never called. I thought this was a bad joke. He couldn't be missing. Not Aaron Bremner. My friend. I've only known him a short while, but his impact on my life will last a life time. You know those kind of people? The ones who change you. Make you better. That was Aaron. In his sister's blogpost she describes him as fearless. That is the perfect word. Yes, he was brave and daring enough to try anything. He was also conquering his fear of man. Not caring what people thought. It's a struggle inside all of us. It hinders our ability to serve others without restriction. We all have a past and I know Aaron was slowing gaining traction into the man he was meant to be. In my opinion he was in the process of mastering the art of weird. But that was just who he was and he wasn't ashamed. Because of that he was also my teacher. To be honest, when I first met him I was taken aback. I was on a walk with a friend when all of sudden we could hear rocks hitting the road. It was really eery. We kept walking and it KEPT happening. I was sure it was aliens but my friend didn't think so. When we got back to Port Ywam, that's when I saw him. Aaron was throwing the rocks! I had never met him, never spoke with him, didn't even know his name. But he just started laughing hysterically. The rest is history. Over the next three months he and I shared a bond. Over coffee. We would frequent a local spot just down the road from the port. We would share stories, he would give me awesome advice, and then we would just sit there while he sang old Hawaiian songs or talked like a local. He was breathtakingly honest. He wasn't afraid to tell me I was wrong. That's what I loved about him. He had this gift of always telling you what you needed to hear. Like advice from Jesus. He would hate that comparison, but it's true. Honestly, I could tell you hundreds of stories that would make you feel like you knew him or wish you did. But the most important of all is that Aaron was madly, passionately, crazy in love with Jesus. He was always listening to podcasts from the Circuit Riders or reading some bible study from his favorite pastors. In his own way, he lead me back to Jesus as well. I saw this guy with struggles and pain, working so hard to be who God wanted him to be. There were times when I thought maybe he would give up and go home but he refused to let spiritual warfare stop him. How could that not make me believe. Life is too short. You probably hear that a lot. Because IT'S TRUE. I challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Take baby steps. But be real. I can't stress that enough. YOU were designed uniquely. YOU have a purpose and there is a plan for your life. Let out to find it. Ask God to give you direction. I find myself just saying "This isn't real. It can't be." and I know God will heal my broken heart. These things take time. This tragedy won't make me stop believing. That's what Aaron would want. A message from Tashina. Alive. I’m only beginning to understand the full meaning of living a life alive. I only knew Aaron for a brief time, but the moment I met him, I knew that there was something about him, about his heart, that I had known my whole life. Raise your hand if you know about Jesus. Now, even if you don’t, even if you’ve rarely heard a story from the Bible and never really wanted to, I encourage you to pay attention and really listen to the words I am about to share. I was going for a walk, praying fervently for Aaron and his family and friends, when I felt God speak to me. I’ve never been at a loss for words, but this time in my life has me tongue-tied and tight-lipped. However, I will do my best to share with you what God put on my heart. There was a man who lived long ago, whose name was David. David was a humble man, for he had grown up a shepherd boy, but God chose David to reign as king over all his people. David showed fearlessness to everything other than God. With the fear of God in his heart, David faced giants, the mockery of others, the temptations of a man’s heart, seemingly indestructible armies, deception from those around him, and above all, the judgement of God. In all of this, he never felt that he deserved his place as king, or that he was the right man to lead his people. He wasn’t perfect. But he was real. He admitted to God his faults, he loved and worshipped God with more passion and adoration than I’ve ever attempted, and he always put God’s will above his own. Like I said, David was not perfect. He often failed to follow God’s plan, but in the end he always repented and gave God his whole life. David was a sinner. A murderer. A liar. He abused his position and power. He fell. He got back up. He fell. He got back up. Over and over. Does any of this ring close to your heart? Because I know it does mine. I have sinned. Often the same sins—repeatedly. I often find myself battling the feeling of not being worthy to call myself a daughter of God. I believed for a long time, that I was worthless and that I would never amount to anything more than a ruined girl who couldn’t keep her heart protected. That may be the hardest thing to admit to all of you—especially to those of you who know my family and have always looked on us with respect and admiration. My actions and mistakes are only a reflection on me, just to be clear. There was a time in my life where I wasn’t walking close to God and I was believing every lie that Satan ever wove into my broken and mangled heart. I can proudly say that I am changed by the love of God, and I am so much more than the girl I used to accept myself being. Now, back to David. The beautiful thing about the story of David isn’t about who David was or wasn’t—in fact it has very little to do with David. The part of the story that I haven’t mentioned yet is the way that God loved David. That’s what is so beautiful. That is what gives me so much hope. You see, despite all of his downfalls and mistakes, despite walking out of God’s plan and falling back into it, despite the complete and utter fact that David was just a man and would always fall short of the Glory of God—despite all of this, God loved him. It says in Acts 13:22 that God found David to be a man after His own heart. (His being capitalized meaning God’s own heart). David was a man after God’s own heart. Do you even get what that means? Do you live your life so surrendered and humbled that God would say the same about you? Because I know that I haven’t been. And I want to. So I’m changing that about myself. I want to walk through every day knowing that no matter if I mess up or do right that day, that my whole life and heart and soul belong to God. I want to live my life alive and stop letting the world take that away from me. I want to be stronger. Bolder. Surrendered. I want to conquer giants, boldly face the mockery of others, battle the temptations of my heart, destroy the seemingly indestructible armies, accept and forgive the deception of those around me, and with my head held high I want to accept the judgement of God, because I deserve it. I want to serve God and love Him and worship Him with all of my might. I want to be more like Aaron. I met Aaron when going to surprise my sister who had just come back from serving God in Fiji. When I met him, he gave me a big hug and laughed with the joy of a man after God’s own heart. He had a love for others that was contagious. He and my sister had become close friends, so his love for her overflowed into love for me, although he had never met me before. You might be confused how all of this ties together, and I’m getting there, I promise. When I was going for my walk, and praying for Aaron, and asking Him what it was that I should share in honor of Aaron, God shared with me the story I have told you of the King named David. Very much like David, God saw Aaron as a man after His own heart. I have learned so much about living from a man whom I barely knew. But I have heard these stories from the Bible since I was a little girl. So when I met Aaron, what I didn’t know then was that I was meeting the heart of David—the Heart of God. Aaron, David, and many others lived a life so alive and full of passion. Through his passing, I know that Aaron would want you all to know the same God that he encountered. He wouldn’t want this seen as a tragedy but as a celebration. He would want you to see this as a joining of his heart fully with God’s. And more than anything else I know that Aaron would want you to believe and experience the love that God showed to David and to himself—the complete, perfect, unconditional love of Christ. So this is Aaron’s encouragement to you all, both believers and unbelievers, spoken into my heart from God: Don’t be afraid to be imperfect. Don’t hold yourself back from truly living. And above all else, don’t try to hide your heart from God. Surrender it. Then and only then will you experience true freedom and fearlessness—true passion and devotion—true love. warning: a lot of shirtless photos.I've always believed in God. I always knew He was real. That he was watching over me.
He helped me through the good and comforted me through the bad. He helped me understand life and that our choice and actions have consequences. He also taught me that we have can have any life we choose. Back when I was about 18 years old an old boyfriend was talking about this Native American tale. He was going on and on about how this changed his whole outlook on life. I thought it was interesting but I didn't give it much thought. It wasn't until today when I was thinking about how quickly this year had gone by and what my plans were for 2015. And I came to realize that life is too short. God has amazing plans for me. So why am I not living up to my full potential? And I remembered the legend: _____________________________________________ One evening, an elderly Cherokee Brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside of us One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" The old cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed." _____________________________________________ Manifesting the good within ourselves is so simple. It's there. Waiting. It's your choice to accept that life is about happiness and love. All the other stuff is invalid. Not saying our feelings and emotions don't matter. Life can be hard at times. And I definitely know that. But let's not dwell on it. That's why I'm choosing to feed The Good. Tips: Do more Yoga. Spend time alone. Get off your phone. Explore your city. Pay it forward. Smile at strangers. Go to church. Read a new book. Forgive. Turn the tv off. Run. We love you. Make 2015 your year of fruitfulness. xo j. |
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October 2018
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