People often tell me that I won’t remember these days. That soon, life will become so hectic, and such a blur, and that I won’t recall how I felt every step of my pregnancy. So I’m going to write it down—because these are days I never want to forget.
I would like to consider myself somewhat an expert at being pregnant, considering I am pregnant with my second baby in the last two years. Let me just throw this out there… Back to back pregnancies aren’t easy to cope with. First of all, there’s no such thing as a break, when you have a new baby. Not even if you’re pregnant. Like all things in life, pregnancy comes in stages. The first trimester is just a mess of emotions and morning sickness. For me, both times around started with me starting to feel nauseous all the time. It took me some time to realize why I was feeling that way. Then, when it came to seeing those two pink lines appear before my eyes, all of those emotions started to pour out. First, I was terrified. Then I was ecstatic. Then I was elated and finally came the tears. How was I supposed to feel? It seemed as though my heart and mind couldn’t settle on just one emotion to feel. I felt them all, and I felt them hard. Even the second time around, having gotten pregnant only 3 months after giving birth to my beautiful daughter, I didn’t know how to feel. I found out when my husband was away on training, and that was a relief for me. I had a few days to sort through all my emotions by myself, and get a grip on reality. As much as this new miracle was a blessing, life was about to get a heck of a lot harder. Especially when I realized that I would have a newborn and a one year old at the same time. Talk about a challenge! But God is preparing us and I know that despite how difficult it will be at times, it will be so amazing to have two babies who are so close in age. Once you know you’re pregnant, you can figure out how to battle the nausea a little bit and try to get those crazy emotions under control (as much as a pregnant lady can be expected to)! The second time around, my emotions were a lot less controllable. Not only was I pregnant, but I was still breastfeeding, and I felt like my body was just being drained, day in and day out. It took a lot of patience and extra love from my husband to get through that first trimester. The second trimester, once everything has finally settled in, and you are getting into the groove of your ever-changing and constantly-growing body, the sweet and tender moments start happening. It’s such a miracle when you first hear your baby’s heartbeat, and when you see their little, perfect body growing inside of you. But for me, the biggest joy ever comes from feeling that little flutter in my belly indicating my little bean jumping around. It makes all of the days of feeling out of place in my own skin seem like a distant memory. Some people may not see the little kicks in quite the positive way I do, as I’ve had many mommies tell me how terrible it is when they won’t stop kicking, but it’s not that way for me. For me, it makes me take a moment and just slow down, take a deep breath, and smile. Occasionally, still being very much pregnant, a couple of tears will escape my eyes. I can’t believe I am so blessed to get to experience this beautiful miracle for the second time. This time around, it’s been really easy to forget that I’m even pregnant, because I’m so busy living life with my sweet baby girl. But all those kicks are little reminders to take a moment and just thank God for the miracle of motherhood. They are a reminder to not take this time for granted, no matter how hard it is to have my husband away on deployment. The third, and final, trimester of pregnancy is another time full of ups and downs. I have just entered this wonderful stage for the second time in the last two years, and I’m already feeling the full effects of my growing boy! So, first of all, there’s the excitement that in just a few SHORT months, you will meet the little miracle that your body has housed and grown and protected for the last months of your life. That excitement is something you want to try to cling to as you start to experience what can be, at times, very painful Braxton Hicks contractions. Cling to that excitement. I’ve already been getting these like crazy this time around, and it’s making being pregnant something I can’t just ignore anymore. At times, they can be so strong they literally take my breath away. Cling to that excitement. On top of that, my belly is at the point where it’s kind of the way now. Our big boy is a fan of sitting on my sciatic nerve, and my lower back problems are present once again. Cling to that excitement. Other than the normal feelings of being pregnant, this is the most exciting time of my life. My daughter is about to start walking and my son is about to be born. It’s easy to cling to that excitement and look past all the little aches and pains. The hardest thing to deal with is the uncertainty of when the baby will actually come, because unless you schedule a C-Section (and sometimes not even then!) the baby will come whenever he is ready. That makes it hard to schedule my husband’s trip home to try and get him here for the birth of our sweet miracle. All we can do is pray and trust that God will work things out as perfectly as He did the last time around. These are days I never want to forget, and always will cherish. Growing another human life is no small feat and a miracle only God can grant. I’m so thankful for the blessing I’ve been given of being a mother, not only once, but twice now. sincerely, t
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Better. Do you ever see the word ‘better’ and think worse of yourself? I think many times we look at this word ‘better’ in a negative way. Like, “I should be better at (insert area of improvement here).” Or even, “I wish I looked better,” or whatever it is that has you wishing you were better. Lately, I’ve been struggling to not see every way in life that I could and ideally should be better. The other night, exhausted from the combination of my daughter’s week-long cold and my own bout of the flu, I started to cry. Yes, it’s true. I’m a woman, I’m naturally a very soft and emotional creature, and I’m pregnant. Sometimes I cry. This particular evening, I was crying out to God. I was saying how I feel like I’m failing as a mom. I was saying how my husband’s absence from my life right now is too much for me to bear. I was saying how I need His help to be stronger, to be better. As I cried myself into near-hysteria, a song came on the radio. Often times, my posts are inspired by songs that speak so directly into what I’m feeling. The song that came on the radio was Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant. For the first time ever, I saw my current situation as this ‘better’ we all try to achieve. The very first line says, “God loves a lullaby, in a mother's tears in the dead of night, better than a Hallelujah sometimes.” I almost laughed—almost. This song was saying that where I was at in that moment, in tears and crying out to God, was better than pretending to be joyfully going about life. God prefers us when we are REAL with him. Whether that’s annoyed, frustrated, heart-broken, lost, happy, excited, elated, etc. Whatever you are feeling, wherever you’re at right now, that is enough for God!! Isn’t that so relieving? He meets us where we’re at, and brings us closer to Him. You don’t have to be ‘holy’ or ‘better’ to be loved. All you have to do is love Him in complete and utter transparency. The chorus speaks so beautifully about how God wants us to live honestly in our relationship with Him. We don’t need to be stronger, happier, or better. “We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody Beautiful, the mess we are The honest cries of breaking hearts Are better than a Hallelujah” So today, give yourself a little grace. Stop trying to be better, for just a minute and listen to these words. Who you are, right now, in this possibly messy, stressful, miserable moment is enough. Who you are is enough. WHO YOU ARE IS ENOUGH. God doesn’t need you to be better. He just needs you to be real. It’s okay to laugh and feel joyful. It’s okay to cry and feel helpless. It’s okay if today is the best day you’ve had in a long time, and it’s okay if today is the worst. Just know that you aren’t expected to be anything other than yourself. So take a deep breath and repeat after me… “I am enough. Yesterday, today, and forever. I am enough.” sincerely, t I’m almost positive that all of us are guilty of it. Because society has us convinced that we have to have a certain kind of life in order to live up to the “standards” of this culture.
It’s something I like to refer to as the Highlight Reel—because that’s all social media really is nowadays. Which, in part, I don’t think is necessarily a bad thing. It’s all focused on putting our best selves forward. The problem with this notion is that the Highlight Reel is just that—only the highlights. It isn’t the mundane, boring, sometimes not very pretty life. Not only are almost all of us guilty of portraying only our Highlight Reel, but we also tend to envy those of others. We look at the artistic photographs and deep, inspiring quotes that are paired so perfectly together and we see exactly what they want us to see: we see the great life they seem to lead. And I’m not saying this to bash on anyone, because I have been equally guilty of this in my own life. I’m also not disqualifying their (or even our own) lives as great. All I’m saying is that there is so much more going on, beneath the surface. I’m bringing this up because I want to ready you for the upcoming season for this blog—something we’ll call the Bloopers. From here on out, I want us to be as real and raw and open about the every day, occasionally not so exciting, life of raising up beautiful, little West Coast Children. I hope you can bear with the reality of what is real life, Highlight Reel and Bloopers alike. We are excited for this re-launch and opening up our lives and hearts to you all once again. sincerely, t |
TashinaRead. Write. Create. Love. Archives
October 2018
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